Just wanted  to FINALLY update you on where I am on my journey.  I am halfway through my radiation treatments.  September 14 is my last treatment date.  After this is complete I am through the bulk of the treatments.  All of the cancer was removed last January after my lumpectomy and the chemo and radiation are considered "preventative treatments" in hopes that this will never come back again.  I will still need to head down to Penn once every three weeks to receive a medicine called "Herceptin"-- but that seems pretty easy considering all I've been through.  The Herceptin treaments will continue until next May.

If you would ask me how I'm doing I would first, probably lie to you and say, "Good.  I'm doing really good."  I mean, I should be doing good considering the fact that I am closer to the finish line than I've ever been.  But, the reality is that I have REALLY struggled the last couple months which is why there have been very few posts!  I guess the bottom line is FEAR.  I'm scared.  I never wanted this to be my life--especially at age 42.  This wasn't part of my plan.  I worked so hard to be "healthy" and here I sit.

I am angry and sad and tired.  

I've always prided myself on being strong and just haven't felt like this describes me anymore.  You should see me at my radiation appointments.  I'm an emotional wreck!  The radiation treatments are very short but I need to go down to Penn every day . . . . 5 days a week . . . . it's a commuting nightmare.  The emotion of it all always washes over me as I walk up to the doors of the "Perleman Cancer Institute" (the name of my building at Penn) and can't believe that this has all taken place.  I think part of the reason I've been so emotional is that I need to face it every day--over and over.  When I'm home,  I can push the cancer to the back of my mind.  But at Penn--it looks me right in the eyes.

I remember running the 1/2 marathon at Lehigh Valley.  It was my first one and I had only run 10 miles one time before the race.  Never practiced running the full 13 miles.  I felt great at the start.  Fast, quick, light on my feet.  Like I was born to run!  The first 8 miles passed quickly.  Around mile 10, things started heading downhill.  My legs were tired.  I felt every ache and pain.  The little voice in my head started to question every reason why I was even doing this in the first place.  People started passing me.  I felt heavy and slow.  It started raining.  And then raining harder.  And to top it off the last couple miles were filled with hills.  I kept plodding along knowing that if I just kept moving I would make it to the finish line at some point.  There are really only 2 choices--quit or keep running--even if it is a lot slower than you ever wished it to be!? Some races feel great all the way through and others not so much!  This was one of those!  And to be quite honest, that's a bit of what I feel now.  Close. . . yet still far.  Uncertain.  Aching.  Emotional.  But unwilling to quit.

I pray every day for healing and peace.  I know it will come.  Just wish it would get here faster.